One of the most important things I’ve learned in the last 2 years has been Nonviolent Communication - which, fundamentally, isn’t about what you say to others.

It’s about how to think inside your own head.

And the way you talk to others affects that.

When I read Marshall Rosenberg’s book on the topic, I thought it was basically a 4 step process:

  1. Name the objective things that happened without judgement (“when you said X”, “when the glass fell over”, “when I saw the PR submitted on a Friday after 4:00pm”)
  2. Name the feeling you had (“I was worried”, “I was startled and frustrated”, “I was puzzled”)
  3. Name the need you have (“because I need Y”, “because I have a need for order”, “because I need agreements we reach to be honored”)
  4. Make the request (“would you be willing to Z?”, “would you be willing to change out our glasses to plastic ones?”, “would you be willing to commit to not releasing after noon on a Friday?”)

And all those things sound really nice. They sound like they’re going to do a bang up job of sounding awkward and pissing off the people who don’t like to hear therapist speak.

But those words aren’t primarily for them. They’re for the person saying them. Because that process of thinking about those words changes the way someone thinks. It’s a forcing function to own your feeling (“I feel angry.” instead of “you made me angry”) which changes where the control in the situation is.

So let me tell you some things.

Your direct report didn’t make you angry. Your belief about what the direct report should do combined with behavior that conflicted with that is ultimately what led to your anger. And being able to own your feeling ultimately means that you can understand what is yours and what is theirs. And that gives you such power in being able to diffuse situations, help coach people forward, and give people grace.

I learned NVC because I needed to for my personal life. I needed to learn how to let go of defensiveness and dismissal. But what happened is that it changed how I thought. And that change leaked over into every aspect of my life, including how I managed my team.

Ultimately, I think I’m a better manager for it.